Take that, Vaginismus!!!

Last night I was just so emotional and in tears. Really just full out crying. Let me tell you why…

At my last PT appointment I was instructed to do some stretching/massaging to get rid of the pain/burning that usually comes with sex. For the past three days I have been religiously stretching and hoping and praying that I would be able to insert the largest dilator. I have been having trouble with it for the past few days and thinking it will never go in!

Yesterday I woke up and started my sending positive messages to myself and cleansing myself of the negative thoughts. This WILL go in and it WILL go in today and I WILL overcome vaginismus. After taking a relaxing bath and stretching, I had to take a break to go buy more lube. With the dilators I use SO MUCH! Like I went through a large bottle of KY in less than a week…I know. On a side note, if you are looking for a great lube my PT uses Slippery Stuff. It is water-based and glycerin free so you can use it with silicone things and great for sensitive skin. I just ordered three large bottles on Walgreens.com (because it was on sale haha). I would like to try coconut oil, which is popular to use with women on the vaginismus.com forum. It is natural, not sticky, and really never dries out but I can’t use oil-based lubes for my expensive silicone dilators... Maybe when we are ready for more of the real thing ;)

Ok, back to the story…After we returned from Target with a new KY lube in hand, I took a small break to let things breathe. Then I resumed dilating with the second to largest dilator and did some major stretching and extended dilating. I got the last dilator ready and lubed and said, “This is going in!” I started with a tiny bit, did some kegels, pushed it in a little bit more, did some kegels, and pushed it a little bit more in and then it kept sliding. HOLY CRAP. I got passed my wall! Now I didn’t have any muscle spasm burning, but again burning from it hitting my urethra. It is a body numbing feeling so I could only leave it in for 5 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. Hopefully with stretching it away from the urethra and constant practice, it will go away like the last dilator.

Anyways…I immediately called Alex in the bedroom and said, “Guess who is going shopping on Monday?!” Haha because with this last dilator I get a $60 shopping spree :) Then I said get ready, it is your turn. So we got him ready to go in and lubed him up good, even though at this point of dilating I was literally covered in lube. Sometimes I feel like I need to put plastic wrap or a tarp over my bed. I know, nasty…

Slowly he started to go in and instead of hitting that darn wall (like he does every time), he WENT IN!!! No urethra burning like the dilator but I did have some burning due to muscle spasms. So I let him just sit there for a minute or two while I did some kegels to get the burning to go away. And eventually it did. I’m not fully ready for penetrative intercourse yet because I still need to learn to control my muscles when it is a real penis and not a silicone hard dilator.

Afterwards I just held him and cried. And cried. It didn’t help that I am already emotional due to an upcoming time of the month…but I was just thinking, I am not broken anymore. Ya, we didn’t do it fully, but just knowing that we could finally do something that we are supposed to do (and want to) as a married couple was just amazing. Maybe God does want this for me. And maybe, no…I know God answered my prayers and the prayers of others. 

I have heard the teacher is silent during a test. And boy has he been silent. But I also knew that without him through this amazingly hard thing, there was no end. I had to rely on not only God but Jesus Christ as well. What was and is so comforting to know is that someone knows exactly what I am feeling, not only the physical pain but all the emotional pain and stress of living with vaginismus. What an amazing feeling to know that Jesus Christ not only suffered for our sins, but he felt the pain of having vaginismus and HE KNOWS me and can relate to what I am feeling.

It is really hard to fully express to my family, friends, and readers what this is like. And even though you may not understand fully what I feel, I know there is another level you can connect with me. We all have our own trials and tests in our lives and no matter how much we talk about it or communicate our feelings, no one else is going to know the exact pain and suffering you are experiencing. Just know that we are all fighting a battle (whether it is visible or not) and we should be there to comfort each other and just listen. And whether you believe it or not, there is someone who knows. And for me, that is enough.