So I probably went against my PT’s advice/plan for me, but I
(not anyone else but myself!) put in the first dilator in! I have never been
this successful! So two things have happened that have given me courage this
week:
First I ordered a new set of dilators. The ones I had were
medical grade plastic, hard and just really uncomfortable. I found a new set
that were way more expensive but so much better! They are silicone, flexible,
soft, and in cool colors and more range of sizes. And even the first dilator
was smaller than the one in the set I had. So I received those yesterday and I
really just wanted to try them out.
Second I had a revelation during my appointment. My PT kept
telling me that the PC muscles are like an elevator and my elevator can go up
and down to like the 4th floor, but I need to let the people off in
the basement. I just thought that if I just focused my mind elsewhere and just
relaxed that eventually it would go down…which it might…but I learned it’s more
of a physical effort. At my appointment I tried almost pushing the muscle out
and magically my numbers went down! I think what I have discovered is that my
muscles are just contracted most the time so I just have to physically open
them up.
So with those two things, last night I first had Alex try
inserting the dilator and it wasn’t working. He has gotten in the other set of
dilators in before (just the smallest size) but I think it was finally my turn
to try. So I shut myself in the bathroom to first test my theory. I got my
mirror and bent down and tried pushing out my muscles as I did in physical
therapy and lo and behold the opening appeared! (Angels were singing—no joke) I
have never been able to clearly see my vaginal opening so this was a big
moment! I then found a comfortable position on my bed with a mirror and after 5
minutes, pushing out, breathing, relaxing my face/jaw (where I seem to hold a
lot of tension), I slowly watched the dilator moving in. I could not believe my
eyes!!! It didn’t hurt but it was just uncomfortable. The one I used may not
seem like success because it is so small (smaller than a tampon) but for me
just knowing that I can put something in my vagina was a big feat. This is a
big step in the right direction! Let’s celebrate :)
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