First off, I just love my PT! She is so awesome! When I went in for my appointment this week and surprised her with the unexpected success she was so excited for me (not more excited than I was)! What a relief to find out that I am capable of being a real woman and not feeling so broken! Haha...
Anyways, I had some concerns going in because I had gotten to the second to last dilator before going in and had some INTENSE pain with it. After figuring out exactly where it was, the only problem was that I was hitting my urethra (not on purpose, obviously). So I just have to do some stretching down when it is in to get it away from the urethra. She also suggested I do some perineal massages, which is commonly used for stretching before giving birth. Because I have learned how to relax those darn muscles and allow entry, now I am faced with the usual burning/tearing sensation most women tell horror stories about their first time. So by doing the massages/stretches I can minimize the pain that I would be faced with which leads to my muscles tightening up and muscle spasms. It just sounds like a vicious cycle....oh wait--it is!
Pain=> muscle spasms=> avoidance of hurt=> depression=> fear=>Never doing that again!
So I will faithfully practice the massaging techniques. It does come with a small dosage of pain but I think small dosages are better than a lot of pain all at once. I also have been trying for the past three days to insert that last and final dilator, but no luck. It is huge! But in retrospect, not as big as a babies head! I think that I still need to do more stretching before I can get it in completely because it is hitting that "brick wall" and I don't want to cause pain and go back to the cycle.
I am just getting so impatient. I know it has only been exactly two weeks since I have been able to insert things into my vagina, but it feels like a lifetime! Dilating takes up a huge chunk of my day. First I have to mentally get ready, then I physically get ready by taking a bath, setting up my dilating station and then doing it. I try to leave them in at least for a couple hours...
I am just ready to get back to my life and to do things (not just sex). I had so many things planned for this semester of school since I am only taking three classes, but having vaginismus is like a full time job. It consumes my time, my thoughts, and my relationship. I can do this, right?
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