Take that, Vaginismus!!!

Last night I was just so emotional and in tears. Really just full out crying. Let me tell you why…

At my last PT appointment I was instructed to do some stretching/massaging to get rid of the pain/burning that usually comes with sex. For the past three days I have been religiously stretching and hoping and praying that I would be able to insert the largest dilator. I have been having trouble with it for the past few days and thinking it will never go in!

Yesterday I woke up and started my sending positive messages to myself and cleansing myself of the negative thoughts. This WILL go in and it WILL go in today and I WILL overcome vaginismus. After taking a relaxing bath and stretching, I had to take a break to go buy more lube. With the dilators I use SO MUCH! Like I went through a large bottle of KY in less than a week…I know. On a side note, if you are looking for a great lube my PT uses Slippery Stuff. It is water-based and glycerin free so you can use it with silicone things and great for sensitive skin. I just ordered three large bottles on Walgreens.com (because it was on sale haha). I would like to try coconut oil, which is popular to use with women on the vaginismus.com forum. It is natural, not sticky, and really never dries out but I can’t use oil-based lubes for my expensive silicone dilators... Maybe when we are ready for more of the real thing ;)

Ok, back to the story…After we returned from Target with a new KY lube in hand, I took a small break to let things breathe. Then I resumed dilating with the second to largest dilator and did some major stretching and extended dilating. I got the last dilator ready and lubed and said, “This is going in!” I started with a tiny bit, did some kegels, pushed it in a little bit more, did some kegels, and pushed it a little bit more in and then it kept sliding. HOLY CRAP. I got passed my wall! Now I didn’t have any muscle spasm burning, but again burning from it hitting my urethra. It is a body numbing feeling so I could only leave it in for 5 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. Hopefully with stretching it away from the urethra and constant practice, it will go away like the last dilator.

Anyways…I immediately called Alex in the bedroom and said, “Guess who is going shopping on Monday?!” Haha because with this last dilator I get a $60 shopping spree :) Then I said get ready, it is your turn. So we got him ready to go in and lubed him up good, even though at this point of dilating I was literally covered in lube. Sometimes I feel like I need to put plastic wrap or a tarp over my bed. I know, nasty…

Slowly he started to go in and instead of hitting that darn wall (like he does every time), he WENT IN!!! No urethra burning like the dilator but I did have some burning due to muscle spasms. So I let him just sit there for a minute or two while I did some kegels to get the burning to go away. And eventually it did. I’m not fully ready for penetrative intercourse yet because I still need to learn to control my muscles when it is a real penis and not a silicone hard dilator.

Afterwards I just held him and cried. And cried. It didn’t help that I am already emotional due to an upcoming time of the month…but I was just thinking, I am not broken anymore. Ya, we didn’t do it fully, but just knowing that we could finally do something that we are supposed to do (and want to) as a married couple was just amazing. Maybe God does want this for me. And maybe, no…I know God answered my prayers and the prayers of others. 

I have heard the teacher is silent during a test. And boy has he been silent. But I also knew that without him through this amazingly hard thing, there was no end. I had to rely on not only God but Jesus Christ as well. What was and is so comforting to know is that someone knows exactly what I am feeling, not only the physical pain but all the emotional pain and stress of living with vaginismus. What an amazing feeling to know that Jesus Christ not only suffered for our sins, but he felt the pain of having vaginismus and HE KNOWS me and can relate to what I am feeling.

It is really hard to fully express to my family, friends, and readers what this is like. And even though you may not understand fully what I feel, I know there is another level you can connect with me. We all have our own trials and tests in our lives and no matter how much we talk about it or communicate our feelings, no one else is going to know the exact pain and suffering you are experiencing. Just know that we are all fighting a battle (whether it is visible or not) and we should be there to comfort each other and just listen. And whether you believe it or not, there is someone who knows. And for me, that is enough.

Getting Impatient...

First off, I just love my PT! She is so awesome! When I went in for my appointment this week and surprised her with the unexpected success she was so excited for me (not more excited than I was)! What a relief to find out that I am capable of being a real woman and not feeling so broken! Haha...

Anyways, I had some concerns going in because I had gotten to the second to last dilator before going in and had some INTENSE pain with it. After figuring out exactly where it was, the only problem was that I was hitting my urethra (not on purpose, obviously). So I just have to do some stretching down when it is in to get it away from the urethra. She also suggested I do some perineal massages, which is commonly used for stretching before giving birth. Because I have learned how to relax those darn muscles and allow entry, now I am faced with the usual burning/tearing sensation most women tell horror stories about their first time. So by doing the massages/stretches I can minimize the pain that I would be faced with which leads to my muscles tightening up and muscle spasms. It just sounds like a vicious cycle....oh wait--it is! 

Pain=> muscle spasms=> avoidance of hurt=> depression=> fear=>Never doing that again!

So I will faithfully practice the massaging techniques. It does come with a small dosage of pain but I think small dosages are better than a lot of pain all at once. I also have been trying for the past three days to insert that last and final dilator, but no luck. It is huge! But in retrospect, not as big as a babies head! I think that I still need to do more stretching before I can get it in completely because it is hitting that "brick wall" and I don't want to cause pain and go back to the cycle. 

I am just getting so impatient. I know it has only been exactly two weeks since I have been able to insert things into my vagina, but it feels like a lifetime! Dilating takes up a huge chunk of my day. First I have to mentally get ready, then I physically get ready by taking a bath, setting up my dilating station and then doing it. I try to leave them in at least for a couple hours...

I am just ready to get back to my life and to do things (not just sex). I had so many things planned for this semester of school since I am only taking three classes, but having vaginismus is like a full time job. It consumes my time, my thoughts, and my relationship. I can do this, right?

So close I can taste it!

This week was rough! I progressed through the dilators so fast, I thought I was invincible and possibly that we could attempt sex on Valentine's Day!

Wrong.

I was up to the fourth dilator and pretty comfortable with it. It isn't Alex's size but I thought that since I know how to relax my muscles it could work! So we tried and failed. Still intense burning pain and couldn't get passed the darn PC muscles.

So I had to pick myself up and move on to the next size. The fifth dilator is pretty close to Alex's size so I tried inserting it two days ago and I could only get it in an inch before it was met with the pain. I was devastated that I couldn't do it. But I have to keep the faith!

Yesterday I did an extended dilation with the fourth one and did some gentle stretching with it. And then was finally able to insert the fifth dilator. Had a little pain with the muscle spasms but now there is a new burning pain. I thought it could be due to the stretching because of the size. I only could leave it in for 15 minutes because the pain was so bad and I started to break out in a weird rash. The pain lasted all night and it hurt to walk, sit, or do anything! Luckily it was gone by morning!

In order for this to work, I have to keep the pace up! Tonight dilating was a little easier. I started with the fourth again and did some stretching. And then was able to easily insert the fifth one (I hate that the bigger the size, the longer they make them so it always hits my cervix and makes it so I can't put it all the one in!) However, that new burning pain was back! Not as bad as the night before but still pretty bad. I did some research on my online forum and found it could be due to the fact that it is hitting the urethra which is very sensitive and someone suggested pointing the dilator down. I tried that and it definitely relieved some of the pain! So that is something I will ask my PT about.

I can't believe that in this short amount of time I have progressed so far and I only have one dilator to go before we can transition to intercourse. I know this is because of the support and prayers from all of you. A year ago I never would have thought I would be at this point today. I thought it was impossible to insert anything into my vagina. It seemed so broken and I was so broken. I just have to remember, that in the end everything will work out :)

Success is motivating!

So in the past three days I have managed to insert dilator #1, #2, and #3! This isn't without a little pain. But no pain means no gain! 

The second dilator was a slight burning inserting but went away really quickly after it got passed my PC muscles. I had the courage to insert # 3 today because I thought hey, it is not that much bigger...and I did!!! It was more burning/discomfort than the second one, but it was bearable. So I left it in until the pain stopped.

Can you believe it! I have never been able to insert anything into my vagina since I was 12 and now I can do it! And now I only have three more to go!!!

It also helps that Alex and I have created a reward system. For every dilator I get in, I get a treat that raises in increments of $10. So the first dilator was $10, second $20, and third $30 and so on...so I got myself a little something special from Sephora :) Woohoo! Progress feels good!

Small, but big success!

So I probably went against my PT’s advice/plan for me, but I (not anyone else but myself!) put in the first dilator in! I have never been this successful! So two things have happened that have given me courage this week:

First I ordered a new set of dilators. The ones I had were medical grade plastic, hard and just really uncomfortable. I found a new set that were way more expensive but so much better! They are silicone, flexible, soft, and in cool colors and more range of sizes. And even the first dilator was smaller than the one in the set I had. So I received those yesterday and I really just wanted to try them out.

Second I had a revelation during my appointment. My PT kept telling me that the PC muscles are like an elevator and my elevator can go up and down to like the 4^th floor, but I need to let the people off in the basement. I just thought that if I just focused my mind elsewhere and just relaxed that eventually it would go down…which it might…but I learned it’s more of a physical effort. At my appointment I tried almost pushing the muscle out and magically my numbers went down! I think what I have discovered is that my muscles are just contracted most the time so I just have to physically open them up.

So with those two things, last night I first had Alex try inserting the dilator and it wasn’t working. He has gotten in the other set of dilators in before (just the smallest size) but I think it was finally my turn to try. So I shut myself in the bathroom to first test my theory. I got my mirror and bent down and tried pushing out my muscles as I did in physical therapy and lo and behold the opening appeared! (Angels were singing—no joke) I have never been able to clearly see my vaginal opening so this was a big moment! I then found a comfortable position on my bed with a mirror and after 5 minutes, pushing out, breathing, relaxing my face/jaw (where I seem to hold a lot of tension), I slowly watched the dilator moving in. I could not believe my eyes!!! It didn’t hurt but it was just uncomfortable. The one I used may not seem like success because it is so small (smaller than a tampon) but for me just knowing that I can put something in my vagina was a big feat. This is a big step in the right direction! Let’s celebrate :)

I declare!

It is super hard to live in a world where we have instant gratification. If I want a gallon of chocolate ice cream when I am on my period, I get in my car, turn it on, drive 5 minutes to the store, spend a few minutes getting just the right flavor, and then purchase it and eat my heart’s content!

Why can’t the rest of life be like chocolate ice cream?

In the past week I have been obsessed with reading other people’s success stories through my online support group and also looking for alternative cures. I want to believe there is a magical pill, surgery, or anything that will instantly cure my vaginismus. I did come across one new experimental thing that is only available in the UK. It is a small curvy dilator that you wear while you sleep for 21 days. Apparently after the 21 day period, you are cured! So tempted to buy it however, deep inside I know that something like this can only be beat with correct knowledge, time, the right tools and resources, patience, and perseverance. 

Something that I came across in reading success stories with my program is the stress of declarations. Step 2 of the program is an evaluation of the possible reasons you could have vaginismus and then all of a sudden leaving them behind and replacing them with positive declarations. The reasons are not important, but retraining your brain into thinking positive thoughts about your body and sex are. So this week I wrote down the declarations and I am supposed to read them out loud every day. I found this to be awkward at first because my apartment is small and Alex can hear everything I say…but after the third day of saying them…I feel empowered. So maybe I haven’t been completely honest with myself in following all the steps of the book. Maybe I need to retrace my steps.

I think it would be kind of cool to collect inspiring quotes, declarations, or just love notes from family, friends, and readers (whether I know you or not) to make a motivational wall along with my other declarations in my bedroom. So I am asking you to send me something --either by commenting on this blog, e-mail, text, facebook—so I can add to my wall of motivation. Even if it has nothing to do with vaginismus but maybe something that has helped you through a hard time, I would love it! :)

Here is the start to my wall  ==========>