New Years Resolutions and Confessions

A new year means resolutions. This year I have resolved to get healthy and start being more open about things that are going on in my life. So here it goes.

For starters Alex and I have started to eat healthier using the phone app, My Fitness Pal, and also exercising almost every day. So far we feel great! We have both lost weight in just a week and just feel so much better after going on a week-long cruise eating 24/7 (the pizza was the death of me…).

As for being open it is time for me to share something that I have been dealing with for a long time. I have been really closed off in all of my relationships and I apologize. The reason I have not told anyone except for Alex is that this is an embarrassing topic for me and it is very very personal and at sometimes too much information to share. It is not something that comes up in everyday conversation and it is something that needs to be addressed and even more publicized. That is why I feel I need to share.

I have a medical condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus (http://www.vaginismus.com/) is an involuntary spasm of the muscles around the vagina that doesn’t allow anything to enter. It is extremely painful and is a result of many factors (negative views on sex, not being educated on sex/ anatomy, sexual abuse, stress, fear of pain, and sometimes the cause is unknown). I had an inkling that something was wrong when I couldn’t use a tampon when I first started my period. I just happened to watch a Tyra Banks episode (I know…lame) with women who had vaginismus and were not able to consummate their marriage and thought that is exactly what I feel like. After trying and trying to consummate my marriage and not being able to go through with a gynecology exam I knew this is what I had.

I want you to know that this is something I have an extremely hard time talking about and this is why I am using a blog. There is not only the extreme physical pain of not being able to have sex or use a tampon but there is a lot of emotional pain. I am embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, sad, and sometimes have lost all faith that God wants me to experience the most loving act between a husband and wife and one day have children. 

There are thousands and thousands of women in the world who have this medical condition and unfortunately, because it is an embarrassing topic and sex is a taboo topic in some countries, homes, and religions women tend to feel alone in their journey and in some cases cannot get help. Even some doctors are not educated on this condition and therefore not able to really help. 

After doing a lot of research I have found many resources for this. There is a clinic in New York that helps women overcome vaginismus in two weeks (also comes with a hefty price tag but a 95% success rate) and numerous websites, blogs, and therapists who have helped women also overcome. For my situation I am starting with website that is dedicated to helping women overcome vaginismus at home (http://www.vaginismus.com/). Yes, this is something that can be cured; however, it is not an easy process. I started on this journey to be cured last May. I ordered books and vaginal dilators that are part of the healing process. I also am part of an online forum (which I use often) with thousands of women whom I communicate with for support, tips, and can read many success and failure stories. Right now these women are my biggest support because they are the only ones who have been or are in my shoes right now. They know the pain that I go through every day and encourage me to keep going.

It may not seem I have much progress in the past 7 months because I still haven’t had sex but, writing this blog and making this public is a huge step for me. At times I am frustrated because I just want to be cured already and feel like I am actually married, but sometimes this process can be long. Some women have done the same program I am on and were cured in two weeks and sometimes it can take two years. I am starting to look into other options such as seeing a sex therapist (who have counseled other women who have vaginismus) or physical therapy. 

I thank God every day of the blessings I do have. I am blessed to be sealed to a loving husband who is so patient, understanding, and so wonderful to stick through this with me. I have amazing family and friends who I know will support me no matter what. 

I don’t expect you to understand what I am going through because it is hard to comprehend but I do ask for your love and support. As of right now I still have a hard time talking about this is person or over the phone because I get so emotional and it is really difficult. But if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask or if you know of anyone who is also suffering from vaginismus please let me know. And if you want to continue with me through this journey as well as some other random fun blog posts please follow me to keep up to date. Thanks for taking the time to read and I love you all!