Time for a brazilian?

So I had my second PT appointment yesterday. I was still nervous even though I knew what to expect and I feel comfortable with my PT. After stripping down and draping a sheet over me, Val came in and applied the EMG sensors to my pelvic floor muscles. I think the EMG is a great because the only part that hurts is taking the sensors off. It’s pretty much like getting a wax…every time. Maybe I just need to get a real wax to advert that pain every week haha.

Again I practiced by myself trying to lower the numbers on the scale and really feel what it is like to be “relaxed” which is under a 2 on the scale. The good news is that my resting (as much as I can be rested, naked in at the PT office) is 4-4.5 which last time was 5. However last time I was able to get down to 1.5 and yesterday the lowest number I saw was a 2.3…maybe I was thinking too much?

After trying to lower the scale, Val came back in and wanted to practice just touching the outside areas and not going in. She wanted me to get down to a 3 before she just the outside but I could only get to a 4. So she settled for that number. Just with her sitting next to me I jumped to a 7! And when I told her I was ready for her to just touch, as soon as I felt her come near I shot up to a 12! But then went back down slowly to 5-7. It was so interesting to visibly see my vaginismus and to see that things are just “in my head”. It also means that I still have a long ways to go before anything can happen.

Because I still can’t feel when my muscles tighten or relax, Val has suggested that I get a home EMG unit. I think it is a great idea because Alex and I can practice from the comfort of our own apartment. So we are waiting to hear from the company and if my insurance will cover the cost…if not there are renting options. Still expensive but better than paying for more PT sessions that I could be doing at home. Cross your fingers!

I’m also looking into some homeopathic remedies for stress/muscle relaxers. I came across kava at a health food store that is a root used by Tongans as a sedative/relaxer. The supplements I got are for everyday stress relief and supposed to promote relaxation. So I am going to try those along with my nightly routines to see if it helps.

Right now I am feeling a little discouraged that my second appointment didn’t go as well. But I think once we can get our hands on our own EMG things will be a little easier…Maybe I need to think about things less so I don't stress as much. But we all know that's not possible :/

Relax...Don't do it!

Why don’t you just relax? 

It sounds easy doesn’t it? Well for me it’s not, I’ve realized. If I could just “relax”, everything would be fine and this blog wouldn’t exist.

For the past week I have been practicing relaxing techniques in efforts to relax my pelvic floor muscles. And it is HARD! First of all, in general I do not relax. I am always stressed out about one thing or another. I try and catch myself throughout the day to gage my state and most of the time my shoulders are tensed up and my pelvic floor muscles are tight.

Each night before I go to bed I have been practicing relaxing techniques. The first thing I’ve tried is guided relaxation which always results in me falling asleep (I guess that means I was really relaxed). I also do breathing exercises and trying to get my muscles to feel not tense. Maybe I should just see a hypnotist…it always seems to work for people at the fair. I mean how else would you get a mangy looking old guy to play his bum and his neighbor’s bum like an instrument? (I actually witnessed this :P)

I am so anxious to get things going because practicing relaxing for 40 hours (what my PT recommended) does not seem like progress to me. However, in the back of my head I know this is what I have to do to be able to get to the next step. 

In the great words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood,  Relax! Don’t do it! (or in my case Do IT!).

On the Road Again

First of all, thank you for the love and support I have received from everyone. It is overwhelming. 

After a year of trying to take things into my own hands with a self-help kit and not having a lot of success, I had finally worked up the courage to call for help. Through my online support group I found a woman from Salt Lake who had seen a physical therapist and claimed that it was crucial for her healing. From her recommendation, I picked up the phone and made an appointment to see a physical therapist similar to hers that specializes in woman’s issues. My appointment was for Wednesday at 3:00pm. After that phone call I felt like things are finally going to get better.

So yesterday I was a ball of nerves because I didn’t know what really to expect or if this physical therapist really knew about vaginismus and how to treat it. At 2:00pm Alex and I headed up to Draper to see Valerie in hopes of good news and a cure. After filling out paper work and waiting (always waiting…) I finally was greeted by Valerie who is a tall skinny blonde. We went back to a private room that was more of a comforting warm spa room than a sterile, white hospital room. Instead of undressing into the bare minimum like I would have done for my gynecologist, she had Alex and I sit down and talk first to get comfortable. 

She first asked why we decided to see her. Every time I start to explain my problem, I break out in tears. It was comforting for her to say it is NORMAL and I understand—here is a box of tissues. She then asked about more specifics and then began to explain why vaginal dilation probably hasn’t been working for me at this time. First of all right now, my vagina is a closed door and last time I checked you can’t just walk through a closed door unless you are some kind of magician. Before we even are to start getting passed the door I have to become my own kind of magician and open the door with my mind. This is the tricky part because for so long my brain has been telling me that if anything gets passed that door, it will hurt and we DON’T like pain.

Then she took out this really cool machine called electromyogram or EMG that can test how tight my muscles are (Dr. Oz actually does a really cool segment on this, the link is to the right of this post). She put the sensors around the pelvic floor muscles and the scale showed about a five. Where we want to be is under two (we have some work to do).  I then had 15 minutes to practice relaxing and trying to get fewer than two. I was able to get under two if I was distracted talking to Alex or just relaxing my mind and thinking about other things or tensing my whole body and then relaxing.

Valerie came back in and asked how it went. She seemed elated that I was able to get under two and said that this is a good sign! However, the hard part is to practice staying under two when we start dilating sessions. So for the next two weeks I am to practice relaxing and holding on to my happy place. I feel like Happy Gilmore finding his happy place so he can hit a hole in one. Kind of the same thing, right? Well I don’t have my own EMG at home but if I can’t hold onto the happy place on my own after practicing, I can buy my own machine so I can visibly see how relaxed I am.

After my appointment I felt so much lighter. I finally have found some kind of a doctor who knows exactly what I am going through and feel comfortable with her coaching my vagina. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere and with a lot of time and hard work this can be beat!

New Years Resolutions and Confessions

A new year means resolutions. This year I have resolved to get healthy and start being more open about things that are going on in my life. So here it goes.

For starters Alex and I have started to eat healthier using the phone app, My Fitness Pal, and also exercising almost every day. So far we feel great! We have both lost weight in just a week and just feel so much better after going on a week-long cruise eating 24/7 (the pizza was the death of me…).

As for being open it is time for me to share something that I have been dealing with for a long time. I have been really closed off in all of my relationships and I apologize. The reason I have not told anyone except for Alex is that this is an embarrassing topic for me and it is very very personal and at sometimes too much information to share. It is not something that comes up in everyday conversation and it is something that needs to be addressed and even more publicized. That is why I feel I need to share.

I have a medical condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus (http://www.vaginismus.com/) is an involuntary spasm of the muscles around the vagina that doesn’t allow anything to enter. It is extremely painful and is a result of many factors (negative views on sex, not being educated on sex/ anatomy, sexual abuse, stress, fear of pain, and sometimes the cause is unknown). I had an inkling that something was wrong when I couldn’t use a tampon when I first started my period. I just happened to watch a Tyra Banks episode (I know…lame) with women who had vaginismus and were not able to consummate their marriage and thought that is exactly what I feel like. After trying and trying to consummate my marriage and not being able to go through with a gynecology exam I knew this is what I had.

I want you to know that this is something I have an extremely hard time talking about and this is why I am using a blog. There is not only the extreme physical pain of not being able to have sex or use a tampon but there is a lot of emotional pain. I am embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, sad, and sometimes have lost all faith that God wants me to experience the most loving act between a husband and wife and one day have children. 

There are thousands and thousands of women in the world who have this medical condition and unfortunately, because it is an embarrassing topic and sex is a taboo topic in some countries, homes, and religions women tend to feel alone in their journey and in some cases cannot get help. Even some doctors are not educated on this condition and therefore not able to really help. 

After doing a lot of research I have found many resources for this. There is a clinic in New York that helps women overcome vaginismus in two weeks (also comes with a hefty price tag but a 95% success rate) and numerous websites, blogs, and therapists who have helped women also overcome. For my situation I am starting with website that is dedicated to helping women overcome vaginismus at home (http://www.vaginismus.com/). Yes, this is something that can be cured; however, it is not an easy process. I started on this journey to be cured last May. I ordered books and vaginal dilators that are part of the healing process. I also am part of an online forum (which I use often) with thousands of women whom I communicate with for support, tips, and can read many success and failure stories. Right now these women are my biggest support because they are the only ones who have been or are in my shoes right now. They know the pain that I go through every day and encourage me to keep going.

It may not seem I have much progress in the past 7 months because I still haven’t had sex but, writing this blog and making this public is a huge step for me. At times I am frustrated because I just want to be cured already and feel like I am actually married, but sometimes this process can be long. Some women have done the same program I am on and were cured in two weeks and sometimes it can take two years. I am starting to look into other options such as seeing a sex therapist (who have counseled other women who have vaginismus) or physical therapy. 

I thank God every day of the blessings I do have. I am blessed to be sealed to a loving husband who is so patient, understanding, and so wonderful to stick through this with me. I have amazing family and friends who I know will support me no matter what. 

I don’t expect you to understand what I am going through because it is hard to comprehend but I do ask for your love and support. As of right now I still have a hard time talking about this is person or over the phone because I get so emotional and it is really difficult. But if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask or if you know of anyone who is also suffering from vaginismus please let me know. And if you want to continue with me through this journey as well as some other random fun blog posts please follow me to keep up to date. Thanks for taking the time to read and I love you all!